April 22, 2017 – Sources report that today wasn’t the best of Earth Days for area man Corey Ander after he allegedly released copious amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere during his Earth Day cookout. Using a charcoal grill, Ander sent around a dozen pounds of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, the equivalent of a 22 mile car drive.
“I really wanted to be a good citizen today and celebrate our planet with my friends and family,” Ander lamented to The Sweaty Penguin‘s field reporter. “I can’t believe I didn’t stop and notice all the smoke coming out of my grill.”
Ander was especially disappointed when he learned his charcoal grill also released harmful volatile organic compounds into the atmosphere, whose effects can be even more drastic than CO2. “I’m sorry air!” Ander shouted from his knees. “I will never release carbon dioxide ever again!” he wailed, while simultaneously exhaling.
At press time, Ander was seen eating a cheeseburger he had previously grilled, completely oblivious to the methane produced by the burps of the cow it came from.