Cheyenne, OK – In an unprecedented turn of events Monday morning, a multinational drilling company was shocked to find no oil or gas beneath the surface of Washita Battlefield, a historic national park in Oklahoma. A new executive order surfaced this week which could lead to drilling beneath national monuments, conflicting with the Antiquities Act of 1906. Interestingly enough, when drillers investigated the land beneath Washita Battlefield, there was nothing there to burn for fuel. Instead, there was a massive bath of olive oil.
Intrigued by this story, The Sweaty Penguin contacted Congress to see if there was any legislative involvement in this occurrence. While 534 of them confidently shook their heads no, one man named Prang Xster began uncontrollably giggling. Xster, a man only in his third year as a representative, apparently had taken it upon himself to remove and hide all the oil and gas that could pollute the atmosphere away in his home basement, and use a vat of olive oil to replace it.
“I was really protecting everyone’s best interests here,” explained Xster. “The expectation of resources led to more drilling jobs, and the lack of resources found led to a healthier environment. And you might think the multinational corporations are losing money on this stunt, but trust me, after they stop donating to my reelection campaign, they’ll probably have made a profit too.”
A park ranger at Washita Battlefield further reported that tourism spiked at the historic landmark. “Usually, we only get a few people wandering around each day, but now, it’s like Disney World. Everyone keeps coming with loaves of bread in their arms asking where to find the olive oil. I’m not really sure what they’re doing – my best guess is feeding the birds.”
Keep up the great work, Congressman Xster. We can’t wait to see your next move!