Sources report that yesterday morning, Nebraska cattle farmer Pat T. Uvryce decided emphatically to take a stand to protect the environment. After waking up and reading an article on Facebook about how cows produce methane from their digestion process, Uvryce realized that he needed to make change. Rather than just sitting on his couch and eating kale chips, Uvryce took initiative by marching outside and killing every last cow on his farm.
While many criticize Uvryce’s attempt at action to be unethical and “a waste of good yogurt,” Uvryce defended his actions as the right thing to do for the long run. “Each one of my cows is producing 70-120 kilograms of methane per year, and methane does 23 times as much harm as carbon dioxide does to the atmosphere,” explained Uvryce. “By killing my cows, can you imagine how much less methane there will be? It’s amazing!”
When asked if he misses his cattle, Uvryce said he did not mind their absence. “With all their chewing and gurgling and burping and spitting, it was hard to get some peace and quiet. After they eat grass, they send it to one stomach, then regurgitate it and chew it again before sending it to their second stomach. And every time they regurgitate the grass, they regurgitate a bunch of methane with it. The digesting is gross enough, but once I found out about the methane, I was done. I’m not going to raise these cows just so someone can turn them into gorgonzola cheese.”
At press time, Uvryce was seen inviting his friends over for a steak dinner.