Month: May 2017

Millennials Excited to Have Kids to Say “Your Generation Will Have to Fix This” To

In a recent survey sent to 100,000 millennials and taken by a whopping 27 of them, The Sweaty Penguin‘s pollsters have found that millennials are extremely excited to have kids for the sole reason of being able to tell them that their generation will have to rise up to fix climate change. These millennials reported a strong desire…

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European Union Determines RoundUp to Be a Safe Herbicide, So Bartenders Can Start Putting It in Drinks Again

Twenty-somethings across Europe have been rejoicing after the European Union declared RoundUp, a Monsanto herbicide, is safe and can be left on the market. The herbicide, which contains a weedkiller called glyphosate, was hypothesized to potentially have links to cancer or genetic/reproductive problems. Luckily, the EU’s Committee for Risk Assessment has determined that there is not sufficient evidence to…

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Antarctica Doomsday Vault, Containing Printouts of the World’s Best Memes, Nearly Destroyed in Flood

Oh no! Last Friday, a terrifying catastrophe occurred here in Antarctica, where the Svalbard Global Seed Vault was flooded with water and nearly destroyed. The vault, meant to be unlocked in a doomsday emergency, contained some of humanity’s most precious treasures, including seeds to protect the earth’s food supply and memes to protect the earth’s dankness. “When we heard that…

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6 Things You Might Have Thought Are Vegan, But Aren’t

As more and more people choose to adopt a vegan diet for dietary reasons, animal rights, greenhouse gas produced by agriculture, and many more reasons, we at The Sweaty Penguin felt it would be important to help people taking on this environmentally sustainable diet by pointing out a few of the many misconceptions with regard to veganism. Many foods which…

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Doing His Part: This Man Just Pledged to Plant a Tree Every Time Someone Makes a “Yo Mama” Joke

If you’ve ever wondered what it means to be a hero, then look no further. This morning, Arizona resident Phil Terr Dwotter announced that for every time somebody made a “yo mama” joke, he would personally march to his backyard and plant a tree. Dwotter plans to stay true to his ambitious pledge until the issue of deforestation…

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Breaking: New Video Footage Shows Narwhal Tusks Actually Meant For Measuring Lines at the Ocean DMV

Wow! Just this last Friday, the World Wildlife Fund successfully captured a narwhal using its tusk on video with two drones in the Tremblay Sound off of Northeastern Canada. While scientists had previously speculated that narwhal tusks might be used for ice picking or female attraction, this new footage has stunned the entire scientific community. In fact, the tusk…

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Amazing! BlackRock Helps Pass New Climate Resolution at Occidental Petroleum, AND They Bought Them a Dual-Flush Toilet!

In a truly inspiring turn of events today, BlackRock Inc, arguably the world’s largest investment management company, has officially taken a stand for the environment by helping to pass a shareholder proposal at Occidental Petroleum (also known as Oxy) which will require reporting on their climate impacts. And while that may sound like big news, you can forget all of that…

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Random Act of Kindness: This Pig Offered to Share His Vegetables, So You Won’t Be Being Cruel to Animals by Eating Their Food

In a heartwarming gesture this last Monday, a local pig selflessly declared that he would be more than willing to share his vegetables with the entire human community. After hearing that many humans passionately believed that “if you love animals, then why would you eat their food,” he felt a strong urge to demonstrate to the world that humans could eat his…

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Defendants in Montara Oil Spill Case Argue “But Oil Floats on Water”

After nearly eight years of saying “Nah, I’ll sue them tomorrow, let’s play Super Smash Brothers,” the Indonesian government has now filed a lawsuit against the Petroleum Authority of Thailand with regard to the Montara Oil Spill that occurred on August 21, 2009. Indonesia is asking for two billion dollars to make up for the damage…

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Real-Life Sacrifice: This Climate Change Activist Would Go Vegan if Meat Didn’t Taste So Damn Good

Cleveland, OH – In an amazing display of selflessness, area woman Carrie “Car” Nivore proudly declared that if meat didn’t taste so damn good, she would immediately go vegan. Environmentalists around the world are applauding Nivore’s bold stance stating her utmost intent to pursue a vegan diet and unfortunate inability due to the delicious flavor of meat. “The agriculture industry causes ten percent of global greenhouse gas…

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