Defendants in Montara Oil Spill Case Argue “But Oil Floats on Water”

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After nearly eight years of saying “Nah, I’ll sue them tomorrow, let’s play Super Smash Brothers,” the Indonesian government has now filed a lawsuit against the Petroleum Authority of Thailand with regard to the Montara Oil Spill that occurred on August 21, 2009. Indonesia is asking for two billion dollars to make up for the damage caused by the spill, including restoration efforts and harm to the environment. While Indonesia sees the two billion dollars as fair compensation, Thailand’s petroleum firm argues that the spill should be extremely easy to clean up because “oil floats on water.”

The Sweaty Penguin was able to send a representative to sit in on a meeting with the petroleum firm’s legal team, where they were discussing their approach to the case. While one lawyer suggested using the electric chair, head attorney Fizz X. Tewthureskyew came equipped with glasses of water and jugs of Canola oil. As the team of lawyers gathered around the water glass wide-eyed, Tewthureskyew poured oil into the glass and watched intently as the oil floated atop the water, refusing to mix with the contents below. This insightful experiment concluded decisively that an oil spill into the ocean could not be hard to clean up, for all the oil would be at the top of the water.

“I know the spill caused the deaths of thousands of fish and other ocean life, but the actual cleanup really shouldn’t be so difficult,” explained Tewthureskyew. “All you need is a long straw and a dude who really likes the taste of oil. If he can slurp all the oil off the surface of the Timor Sea, then the problem is nearly solved.”

When asked about the claims from Indonesia that the spill invaded their national waters, causing not only deaths of fish, but deaths of whales, turtles, birds, and even humans through various skin diseases, Tewthureskyew insisted that the solution was very simple. “Come on, don’t cry over spilled oil. Just grab a straw and start sipping.”

At press time, the Thai legal team was seen devising a plan to dump whiskey into the Timor Sea to see if algae could get drunk.

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