European Union Determines RoundUp to Be a Safe Herbicide, So Bartenders Can Start Putting It in Drinks Again

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Twenty-somethings across Europe have been rejoicing after the European Union declared RoundUp, a Monsanto herbicide, is safe and can be left on the market. The herbicide, which contains a weedkiller called glyphosate, was hypothesized to potentially have links to cancer or genetic/reproductive problems. Luckily, the EU’s Committee for Risk Assessment has determined that there is not sufficient evidence to make such claims, meaning bartenders can continue adding the herbicide to their mixed beverages.

“I get clients who sit down at my bar and they are just miserable,” explained bartender Pest S. Syde. “They need something far more powerful than just a shot of vodka. That’s when I break out the RoundUp. Mix it with a little gin, throw in some cherries, give it a flambe, and it will eliminate your worries in no time. I mean, you’ll be worried by the fierce pains in your stomach and vicious left nostril twitching, but what can I say? At least there’s no proof of it leading to disease.”

RoundUp is a very strong herbicide which will kill pretty much all grass and weeds in an area. With GMO technology, people have begun designing crops resistant to RoundUp, meaning to eliminate weeds from the area, a farmer need only douse the area with RoundUp. As a result, many crops can still contain residue of the herbicide on it, which humans eventually consume. Though some people are concerned about the side-effects of consuming RoundUp or the lack of transparency in packaging, a Food Network judge told The Sweaty Penguin that the RoundUp “has a nice, pungent flavor, and adds a layer of originality to the dish.”

While the European Union did receive council from the United States Environmental Protection Agency, some were worried that Monsanto had an influence on the decision themselves. “We needed to keep RoundUp on the market,” defended Monsanto spokesperson Monica “Mon” Apulee. “We can’t lose the mixed drink business. Then all we’ll have is the GMO industry, the biotechnology industry, the seed industry, basically every single farmer and crop in the world, etc. How would we continue to make money?”

At press time, sources report that the United States Congress had passed a bill mandating a federal RoundUp drinking age of 21.

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