In a recent survey sent to 100,000 millennials and taken by a whopping 27 of them, The Sweaty Penguin‘s pollsters have found that millennials are extremely excited to have kids for the sole reason of being able to tell them that their generation will have to rise up to fix climate change. These millennials reported a strong desire to reproduce as soon as possible to ensure that in a fast period of time, they would be able to dump any guilt with regard to the environment on a small child who has barely caused any carbon emissions.
The Sweaty Penguin‘s field reporter noted seeing a Oklahoma 25-year-old dad-to-be Oze O. Nlair crouched over his wife’s pregnant belly talking to his unborn child in his best baby voice possible. “Boy, our generation really made a mess. And it’s going to be your generation’s job to fix it, yes it is, yes it is gonna be your job, yes it is.”
Missouri fourth grader who just came out of a motivational school assembly Mal Tingyss reported some confusion with regard to the consensus that it was her generation’s responsibility to fix the environment. “We had a speaker who was like in his mid thirties telling us that it was going to be our generation’s job to fix climate change. This guy’s barely even started his career! Why doesn’t he fix it?” Tingyss was promptly shushed by all onlookers over the age of thirty.
At press time, The Sweaty Penguin had just received data back from a second survey to 100,000 millennials, this time including a raffle for a five cent Chipotle gift card. Somehow, now 4,351,989 millennials took the survey, resulting in the consensus that millennials were also hoping to have kids to say “you kids are always on your phones” to.