Macron Invites American Researchers to Move to France, As Long As They Learn Their Goddamn French First

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After America stated their desire to pull out of the Paris Agreement, newly elected French president Emmanuel Macron invited American climate scientists to come to France and pursue their research goals there. As France prepares to welcome researchers with open arms, they do, however, want to make clear that this invitation in no way alleviated these American scientists of their duty to learn the French language.

“Yeah they can come here, but if they think they’re going to scoot in here and speak English, they’ve got another thing coming,” stated Ab Rodreese Irch, a man from Marseille, France. “I hope they do their research and I hope they solve all the world’s problems, but I don’t need another American tourist who doesn’t know how to say the word croissant in French.” Note: The Sweaty Penguin would like to apologize: since none of our reporters could be bothered to learn French, we had to force Mr. Irch to provide quotes in English.

While some Americans mistook Macron’s message to be an invitation without strings attached, the French Parliament has assured The Sweaty Penguin that mastery of the French language is indeed a requirement of American scientists looking to study in France. “We sincerely hope researchers will join us in our efforts to combat climate change, as long as they speak French the whole time,” they wrote in a collective email to The Sweaty Penguin.

At press time, United Kingdom prime minister Theresa May invited American researchers to study in the United Kingdom, so long as they were willing to spell “colour” and “neighbour” properly.

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