Phoenix, AZ – Upon news of the weather forecast predicting record-high temperatures in Phoenix, Arizona this week, the Eeyum family decided to try baking cookies on the ground. The father, Barry, had seen a video on Facebook while at work on Monday that showed that if you sit cookie dough out in the sun on a warm day, they will bake into perfect cookies through the natural heat. However, when Barry decided to test out the experiment with his wife and two kids yesterday, he had no idea that Arizona had become too hot even for cookie baking, as each ball of cookie dough vaporized upon contact with the ground.
Barry had reportedly returned home on Monday absolutely giddy with excitement, explaining to his wife Lyth and his children Potas (8) and Magneez (5) that the heat on a warm Arizona day is perfectly sufficient to bake a tray of cookies. “How about I leave work early tomorrow and we give it a try,” Barry suggested. “It’ll be so much fun!”
To Barry’s surprise, yesterday hit a high of 119°F, three degrees warmer than the previous record for June 20th of 116°F (set last year). 119°F tied for the fourth hottest day in Arizona history, far too hot to bake cookies. Rather than crisping to a gooey perfection, the Eeyum family’s cookie dough shriveled up and melted into liquid before smoking up and drifting into the atmosphere. Within seconds, there was nothing left on the tray except for a tiny bit of black char.
Having experienced record-high temperatures for days now, Barry is pessimistic about getting a chance to bake cookies outside without them vaporizing. With the warmer summers and colder winters caused by the planet’s increased surface temperature, the chances of an average cookie-baking Arizona day are getting bleaker and bleaker. Barry hopes that he will have the opportunity to bake cookies outside before he sends little Magneez off to college.
At press time, The Sweaty Penguin received news that climate scientists had already begun research on the environmental impacts of tollhouse gas.