The Sweaty Penguin’s Ten Tips on Safety With Drinking Water

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This week, the United States Environmental Protection Agency rescinded the Clean Water Act, aiming to return water regulatory powers to the states. With clean water on people’s minds, we at The Sweaty Penguin have decided to publish our best tips for making sure your water is clean before drinking it.

  1. See what color it is. (clear = safe; brown = not safe; yellow = urine)
  2. Check the expiration date. (if 5-7 days after the expiration date, smell it and pretend you know the difference between good and bad smelling water before drinking it anyway)
  3. Put in chlorine to remove any extra bacteria. (side effects include stomach ache, nausea, and death)
  4. Boil it to get rid of– wait that gets rid of all the water… and put water vapor, a greenhouse gas, into the atmosphere… never mind
  5. Reduce! Reuse! Recycle!
  6. Scrub it with soap and water.
  7. Rent an exorcist to remove murky water demons.
  8. Taste it and see if it tastes like water or like fish poop.
  9. If you vomit upon ingestion, immediately examine the color and alkaline content of vomit to determine if water is safe or not.
  10. Drink from a compostable cup.

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