Yesterday was Cow Appreciation Day, and as a result, The Sweaty Penguin mascot, the sweaty penguin, took a break from waddling aimlessly around Antarctica to think about how cool cows are, and you won’t believe the seven facts he came up with.
1. They fart methane.
If you thought you were cool, then take a step back mister because cows can actually FART METHANE! That’s right, while humans can only fart carbon dioxide and occasionally a tiny bit of poop, cows can dent our ozone layer with one little slip of the tush. If that isn’t a superpower, I don’t know what is. Amazing!
2. No, seriously, and like a lot of it.
Well grab my toe and call me Gerald because those suckers can fart out a hurricane! Did you know a fifth of greenhouse gas emissions come from cows? That’s some raw skill right there. I mean, I can fart, but I can’t ruin the planet with them. I have to go out of my way to do that.
3. Literally though, that’s what they do for the entire day.
I don’t think you’re getting this point fully – they don’t do anything except eat, burp, and fart. They have two stomachs, so when they eat food, they send it to one stomach, begin to digest it, then regurgitate it to rechew before sending it to the second stomach. Think of all the burping and farting they must do when they regurgitate their food. That’s serious stuff, man.
4. They don’t even need to eat beans to fart either.
I know what you’re thinking. Seriously???!!!!! Yup, cows eat one thing and that is grass. And they eat that stuff like there is no tomorrow, or at least they fart enough to make sure tomorrow is more and more polluted. Who would’ve thought some nice veggies would cause a gas storm, but I guess that’s what it takes to be the cool kid these days.
5. Sometimes they play games to see who can fart the loudest.
Omg can I be a cow? Playing games to see who can fart the loudest is a perfect way to get more methane into the atmosphere and accelerate the earth’s temperature rise. These cows not only fart the ABCs, but they can fart the 123s, the do-re-mis, and the tax-our-teas. Cattle are also known to break out a hardcore round of telephone, where they whisper farts to each other to see how much they change from the first to last player.
6. One cow even composed a farting symphony.
Music for the win, am I right?! Cow talents go beyond just farting, they also include musical composition for one cow who wrote four full movements of a cow fart symphony. The symphony featured sounds resembling brass, woodwinds, percussion, and even the third grader trying to play a recorder.
7. If you listen closely to a cow mooing, it is actually just a really loud distinctive fart.
Did I just rub my feet with socks on the carpet and then touch a metal object on a cold winter day, cause I’m shocked! The classic cow grunt, weirdly translated to “moo,” is not a verbal communication, but just a really loud fart. Listen very closely the next time you hear it. You will not believe how they’ve deceived you all this time. Those animals are some little smarties, aren’t they?
Well, that concludes our celebration of Cow Appreciation Day. As of this morning, an ice shelf the size of Delaware officially broke off of Antartica and floated into the ocean, and while ice shelves break off Antarctica frequently, the size of this shelf is anticipated to cause much turmoil, so we can all rejoice in the knowledge that these cow farts are really having an impact on the world around us. Way to stand out, cows! We love your style!