Wednesday, probably Silicon Valley or something – Saying they needed something big to get their name back in the media and perhaps increase their all-time Surface sales from 3 to 4, Microsoft representatives have officially announced a new initiative called “AI For Earth,” where they will invest two million dollars in projects merging artificial intelligence and sustainability. While two million dollars opens a wide array of opportunities for sustainable endeavors, The Sweaty Penguin found one project particularly promising.
“In the past decades, we have worked tirelessly to invent technology to create robots who are identical to humans physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially, but with the added trait of being able to turn off the water while brushing their teeth,” explained the project manager, Arthur “Art” F. Ishulentelijanss. “With an investment from Microsoft, we will be able to officially eradicate the human race and replace ourselves entirely with these robots, who will be able to continue right where we left off and save some damn water in the process.”
Through advanced twenty-first century breakthroughs, these robots will be able to communicate like humans, eat like humans, sleep like humans, and even reproduce like humans. Ishulenteliganss assured The Sweaty Penguin that these robots are literally identical to humans, with the exception of a tiny adjustment in their brains which gives them the unheard of capability of rinsing the toothbrush, turning the water off, and then brushing their teeth, before turning the water back on to rinse afterwards.
When asked if it would be feasible to add more sustainable features to the robots, Ishulenteliganss advised against it. “We need to take baby steps. Maybe one day, these robots can invent new robots who possess the unique ability to bring recyclable grocery bags to the supermarket instead of using plastic ones. And maybe those robots can build robots who can buy recycled paper notebooks instead of cutting down new trees every single time. Who knows how far it can go?”
The Sweaty Penguin asked Ishulenteliganss about how they planned to eradicate the human race. Of course, Ishulenteliganss could not give too much detail for fear of raising suspicion, but he explained that they planned to create a “human trap” of sorts, where they would use some huge incentive to make every single human gather inside a defined set of buildings, where they could then trap them and force their extinction. An incentive to bring every single human into only a few places around the world seems impossible to us at The Sweaty Penguin, but Ishulenteliganss assured us that he has a plan. We can only imagine how incredible this incentive must be.
In other news, on July 28th, The Emoji Movie will be coming to a theater near you.