Study: Young People Our Best Hope for Conserving Humans

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According to a new scientific study published by Boston College students, young people are reported to be the best hope for the conservation of the human species. Citing evidence such as young people living longer than old people and the term millennial implying “able to live an entire millennium,” this new study is said to be the most ingenious innovation coming out of Boston College in the last several decades.

In an email to The Sweaty Penguin, Professor P. Lum wrote, “As conservation biologists work tirelessly to determine methods to save other animals, I have been working with students to determine methods to save us, the human race. And that starts with young people. When our generation dies off, it will be the job of young people to not die with us and repopulate the earth with more young people to ensure the survival of humanity.”

Lum mentions a variety of variables explored in the study, such as “number of rips in jeans,” “cubic centimeters of avocado toast consumed per kilogram of body weight,” “amount of money made per year at unpaid internship,” and “amount of time spent on that damn phone.” Through this extensive study, one conclusion became glaringly clear: young people are the key to human conservation.

At press time, sources report that Lum and her student team were contemplating what to do if the human race does survive, since the term Generation Z has already been used to describe the youngest generation alive today. “There can’t be a generation after Z! It defies all alphabetical norms!” exclaimed one student, only to be interrupted by another student reading Dr. Seuss’s On Beyond Zebra on her iPad.

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