Consumers Angry to Learn There is No Discount on Gold Deposits in Amazon Rainforest if They Have Amazon Prime

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After Brazilian president Michel Temer lifted protections on the 46,000 square kilometer Renca reserve in the Amazon which is predicted to contain gold and other valuable minerals, consumers around the globe became increasingly irate that their Amazon Prime accounts would not give them discounts on the gold. Citing that Amazon Prime typically gives lower prices on items affiliated with Amazon, customers explained to The Sweaty Penguin that “Amazon Gold” should be no different.

In an email to The Sweaty Penguin, local person who sits behind her screen all day Minnie Ruhl wrote, “When I see the name Amazon on a product, I expect my Amazon Prime to kick in. I expect a nice discount, my Amazon gift cards to kick in, and free shipping within zero business days. So what the hell is the deal here? Where the […] is my free […] gold?”

Another email from Ivanna Peesagold added, “Who names a rainforest after an online shopping company anyways? People need to be more original.”

The Sweaty Penguin conducted a comprehensive interview with two Amazon representatives named Echo and Alexa respectively. The interview was cut short, however, after The Sweaty Penguin interviewer kept forgetting to say Alexa before each question to prompt an answer.

At press time, every single person who sent a complaint to The Sweaty Penguin realized that they actually didn’t have Amazon Prime accounts, just thought they did.

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