Wow, it’s been a while! Have you missed me? I sure missed you. It’s been a while, and I’m sure you’re really confused and have a lot of questions. I was confused too, but allow me to explain.
While you Northern Hemisphere folks were complaining about winter and hoping for “some damn global warming” to warm you up, we penguins suffered a brutal summer down in Antarctica. Our summer occurs during your winter. And our summer was HOT. One of our penguin ski resorts completely melted and we had to turn it into a beach. By September, we were laying out in the sun, and by October, we were struggling to adapt to an unusually warm climate.
Thankfully, it’s cooled off a bit, enough for me to continue bringing you Antarctica’s hottest news stories. There’s certainly been a lot of news down here. I ended up having to move from my slab of ice on the coast because, well, it melted. All the big penguin cities are on the coast, so if you could let us know in advance if you still plan to emit greenhouse gases, that would be a huge help. We don’t mind moving, it just really sucks when we don’t have some advance notice.
Anyway, the good news is it’s Earth Day! And I’m truly excited to celebrate with you all. I picked up some Beyond Meat Burgers at the store and filled my reusable bottle with water, so I’m all set for a super sustainable party! If you’re ever down south, drop on by!
I guess I should go, since you all probably only read the first paragraph and got bored and started skimming anyway. I will be posting new articles until it gets too hot down here to keep going, so subscribe, like and share us on social media, and spread our news to everyone you can.
And no, dear faithful reader, this post was not a cover-up for the fact that the founder and editor of The Sweaty Penguin actually runs another publication during the school year and this is his annual summer project. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Swe T. Penguin