Oil Tycoon Giving Commencement Speech Pledges to Eliminate All CO2 Emissions

Posted by

CHESTNUT HILL UNIVERSITY—In an unexpected move that left audience members cheering and crying, CEO of multibillion dollar petroleum corporation Igot Abighart announced in the middle of his commencement speech at Chestnut Hill University that he would be ending all fossil fuel production across his company effective immediately, single handedly erasing over 1% of the world’s annual carbon dioxide emissions.

Wow! Who knew one person could change that many lives with the snap of a finger?

Though the sweaty penguin himself was too busy playing slip ‘n’ slide on melting ice sheets to attend the event in penguin, The Sweaty Penguin has received a transcript of the speech. “2019, this is our class. We’re the future. And as of today, I have instructed my corporation to stop all fossil fuel production around the world and produce exclusively solar, wind, geothermal, and other clean, renewable forms of energy. This alone will drop global CO2 emissions by over one percent, and if a few dozen more companies of our size do the same, the concerns of climate change will be behind us.”

Sources report that the crowd then exploded into cheers—some people crying, some people jumping on trampolines, and some people bursting into a spontaneous flash mob to The Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps.

Amazing! I only wish more CEOs knew that only 100 companies are responsible for 71% of global CO2 emissions!

When asked his inspiration for the groundbreaking decision, Abighart noted his interactions with Chestnut Hill University students the day prior. “I heard student after student talking about how scary it is to enter a future where cities are flooding, droughts and wildfires are spreading, hurricanes and other natural disasters occur more and more frequently, and ecosystem services around the world are falling apart at unprecedented rates,” wrote Abighart in an email to The Sweaty Penguin.

“That’s when I realized that it’s really just me and a couple of my colleagues that did this. So after that, it was easy enough. Bada bing, bada boom, bing boom pow, all set, Earth.”

Can you believe it? If this doesn’t win an award for most generous person of the century, then I don’t know what would!

Abighart’s message to graduating students? Pay it forward. “Now that you have an education, use that education to become CEO of a multibillion dollar corporation emitting excess pollutants into the atmosphere and then switch them to 100% clean energy,” encouraged Abighart. “It only takes, like, 100 of you, tops, to get this done. And if you invest in clean energy now, you’ll only see profits as more and more companies transition, so it’s pretty easy. Like, I don’t know why I just thought of this.”

Keep up the good work, Abighart! Because of your generosity, humanity just got one percent closer to survival!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s