U.S. Dept of Energy Calls Planet Literally on Fire “Freedom Planet”

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WASHINGTON DC—Following last week’s news release where the United States Department of Energy referred to natural gas as “freedom gas,” the department doubled down when they referred to the entire Earth literally being on fire as “freedom planet.”

“Emitting excess carbon dioxide and methane through freedom gas is critical to warming the Earth enough to make it so hot that all the timber in every forest literally combusts into flames and transforms into freedom planet,” said U.S. Department of Energy spokesman Nada Frieman in the news release. “I am pleased that the Department of Energy is doing what it can to promote an efficient regulatory system that allows for catastrophic heat waves and droughts of U.S. freedom to be exported to the world.”

When asked for clarification by a reporter from The Sweaty Penguin, Frieman explained, “The United States is again delivering a form of freedom to the rest of the world. And rather than in the form of natural gas that depending on the quality of the pipelines can have just as bad of a climate impact as oil or coal, it’s in the form of raining ashes from wildfires spreading through forests destroying the habitats of endangered species, releasing even more carbon into the atmosphere, and rendering huge parts of the world uninhabitable at a time when there’s already global refugee crises.”

To ensure the world truly grasps American liberty, Frieman has committed to personally visiting every home in the world to make sure that it catches on fire. “If climate change causes some areas to get more rain instead of less, that’s just not American. I don’t care if there’s hundreds of species of birds living in them, I will personally burn down every tree on the planet if it means that the rest of the world can experience the American dream as we do.”

At press time, the Department of Energy was seen photographing drowning polar bears for their next news release titled “Freedom Death.”

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