FRITOLAY HQ—In an unprecedented move that has flipped the entire chip industry on its side, FritoLay announced that they would begin baking lead paint chips as opposed to deep-frying them, cutting the lead content in half.
“FritoLay is committed to providing healthy, tasty food for young children,” wrote CEO Chip Mann in a press release. “The Baked Lead Paint Chip is just our latest invention to allow children to cut back on their lead consumption while enjoying a delicious snack.”
As per USDA regulation, FritoLay was never required to abate the lead from their chips at all, or test to see if lead was even in them. Their only responsibility was putting a lead paint disclosure on the bag. By taking these extra steps voluntarily, FritoLay and their parent company Pepsi have reiterated their undying commitment to the health of all Americans, completely surpassing any commitment kale and quinoa manufacturers could have hoped to make.
Companies like Kellogg’s and Cape Cod Potato Chips were absolutely blindsided by FritoLay’s move, but are working hard to catch up. Said Kellogg’s Communications Director, “We’re actually partnering up with Dutch Boy Paints to create new Pringles cans out of old lead paint cans. If we can get at least half the lead residue off the old cans, we’ll have the healthiest paint chips on the market by far!”
97% of children have confirmed that despite their strange flavor, Baked Lead Paint Chips still taste better than Funyuns.