Pop Rocks Replacing Lanthanum With Tellurium, Dropping Rare Earths Use By 20%

Pop Rocks Replacing Lanthanum With Tellurium, Dropping Rare Earths Use By 20%

In a win for environmentalists and rare earth mineral miners, Pop Rocks announced it would no longer use the metal lanthanum in its products, reducing their use of rare earth minerals by 20%.

“Everyday items that are essential to human life like computers, phones, electric car batteries, and Pop Rocks, depend on rare earths,” said CEO of Pop Rocks Dan Mitchell. “And just like the Samsung Galaxy S5 phones that catch fire and explode, rare earths allow Pop Rocks to explode in your mouth. Unfortunately, they come at a cost.”

Mitchell said although Pop Rocks will no longer have a popping sensation, as that was created by lanthanum, he thinks that consumers will understand this necessary sacrifice for the environment.

“Is the popping really that important to our consumers? It’s probably more annoying than anything else. So not only are we reducing rare earths, but we’re making it so our Pop Rocks don’t actively resist you swallowing them. It’s basically crunchy Fun Dip now.”

While swapping lanthanum for tellurium will change the flavor of Pop Rocks dramatically, Mitchell believes the new product will remain a fan favorite.

“Remember when you were a kid and would pick a nickel up off the ground and put it in your mouth? And once you licked the dirt off, it had that cool refreshing metal taste? No? Just me? Well, Pop Rocks are going to taste like that now.”

At press time, Ring Pops announced that it would discontinue its use of rare earth cerium, forcing buyers like Delaware kindergartner Tanner Jones to rethink his proposal to Ashley, his classmate and girlfriend as of Thursday’s recess.

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