The State of Michigan said on August 20th that it had reached a preliminary settlement to pay $600 million to victims of the Flint water crisis. The money would go to small businesses and private citizens affected by one of the worst public health crises in recent memory, kicked off over 6 years ago.
“We’ve tried everything to fix it. Obama drank a sip of Flint’s water four years ago, and we really thought that was gonna cut it,” said Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. “Turns out people want actual compensation and not ex-politicians pretending to drink water.”
In addition to the $600M being paid, the government will also throw in free t-shirts, water bottles and those sticky pockets that go on the back of a phone. Governor Whitmer will also be including certain Beanie Babies from her private collection (excluding her favorite, Pinky the Flamingo), because she “knows these will be worth some big ones in the future.”
Also in their settlement, Flint residents will get to choose between a girl toy and a boy toy.