During the latest summer heatwave, enough ice melted in Greenland over the course of three days to cover the entire state of West Virginia, according to researchers at the University of Colorado. Because Florida is the nation’s lowest lying coastal state, it is destined to be hit by rising sea levels first and hardest. With that in mind, we at The Sweaty Penguin found it advantageous to begin the search for the state’s second home. Here are our ideas.
1 Western California
There have already been multiple proposals to split California into multiple states, and there are plenty of people in California who give off “Florida man” energy. Putting Florida in Western California would let those who support splitting the state in two get what they want, and ensure that Floridians still get enough warm weather and legal marijuana that they could ever ask for.
Greenland has a problem. Sure, it seems neat in pictures, but when is the last time you’ve heard of anything properly newsworthy and interesting coming from the country? This week? Well anyway, anyone can see that Greenland suffers from a significant lack of clout-chasers and micro-influencers. With the population of Miami Beach and Fort Lauderdale alone, we could turn Greenland into a powerhouse able to generate “kissing prank gone wrong” videos by the millions.
3 My Uncle Benny’s place
Guys. I’ve got it. My Uncle Benny has this perfect spot in northern Minnesota where we all stay for the holidays. I’ve got a big family, but we usually can all squeeze into bunk beds and make it work. With a little work, I’m sure we could make it work with the entire population of Florida, too. Plus his backyard has one of those really big trampolines, and those are sick.
Hear me out. Provided we can develop sustainable fuel sources, Mars is the future of human settlement (don’t ask a climate scientist). That absolute truth being said, we need a group of death-defying and brave astronauts to be the first settlers of the new frontier. With experiences like throwing alligators through windows and attempting to “run” to Bermuda in a bubble, Floridians will no doubt make the best Martian explorers.
5 Don’t relocate it.
On second thought, maybe we need the reminder that our actions have consequences. Climate change is real, and so is the displacement that will come as a result of it. We need to adapt our technology and behavior quickly in order to avert disasters. If we refuse to relocate to Florida, its residents will be forced to either stop diving into swamps with alligators, or, more likely, move to New Jersey.