thesweatypenguin

Report: Indian Forests Don’t Want New Protections if the Air is Just Gonna Smell Like Car Fumes

Stating regret that the Government of India signed a USD 24.64 million grant agreement with the World Bank to preserve and enhance forests in the states of Chhattisgarh and Madhya Pradesh, Indian forests report that they’d really rather not be protected if the air is just going to smell like car fumes. Despite their determination to…

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Huge Blunder: The U.N. Just Printed Their Anti-Deforestation Plan on Non-Recycled Paper

In what may be the biggest political blunder since the election of King Tut, the United Nations just printed out their anti-deforestation plan on non-recycled pieces of paper. Having spent years negotiating solutions to save trees in the forests of the earth, including but not limited to using less paper and replacing non-recycled paper with…

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Study: Young People Our Best Hope for Conserving Humans

According to a new scientific study published by Boston College students, young people are reported to be the best hope for the conservation of the human species. Citing evidence such as young people living longer than old people and the term millennial implying “able to live an entire millennium,” this new study is said to…

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“An Inconvenient Sequel” Flops in the Box Office, But Still Wins the Popular Vote

In a very rare sequence of events, the movie An Inconvenient Sequel managed to perform the unthinkable: flop in the box office, but still win the popular vote. Sources were shocked to find that while a plurality of viewers liked the movie the best, An Inconvenient Sequel still managed to lose out in the box office tallies….

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The Sweaty Penguin’s Earth Overshoot Day Cards

Nothing is more stressful than the holidays, which is why here at The Sweaty Penguin, we are dedicated to helping our loyal readers make it through big days like today. Today, August 2nd, is Earth Overshoot Day: the day where humankind has consumed more resources than the planet can renew in the year 2017. This…

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Samsung Galaxy S8 Wins Top Environment Certificate For Releasing Eco-Friendly Gasses Upon Battery Explosion

After a minor blunder where phones burst into flames inside users’ pockets, Samsung is proud to have just received the Top Environment Certificate for the Samsung Galaxy S8 smartphone. This phone is the first smartphone to ever win the Top Environment Certificate, likely due to the ingenious innovation of Samsung where the phone releases eco-friendly…

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Lake Tahoe Now Whistling Like a Tea Kettle

SIERRA NEVADA – As of 11:05pm this evening, sources report that Lake Tahoe began to make a whistling sound resembling that of a tea kettle. Noting the lake’s extremely high temperature, our reporters assume that the lake has now come to a boil and is ready to be poured into a mug and turned into…

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What Hurts More: A Bee Sting, Or the Knowledge That the Sting Caused the Bee to Die And the Bee Population to Drop Ever So Slightly Which in the Long Run Could Cause the Death of All of Humanity?

To our loyal readers, we pose a deep, scientific question. What hurts more: a bee sting, or the knowledge that the sting caused the bee to die and the bee population to drop ever so slightly which in the long run could cause the death of all of humanity? Let’s break down the arguments. A…

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6 Ways to Incorporate the Sonic Slinger Into Your Diet

Well, it looks like sustainability is the best road to flavor after all! Sonic Drive-In has begun launching a brand new burger recipe, the Sonic Slinger, which is 25-30% mushroom and a much lower beef content, which tests show give the burgers far more flavor and a reduction in beef. We at The Sweaty Penguin are…

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Hey, Babe, Should I Buy a Recycled Paper Notebook, Or Just Allow a Tree to Get Cut Down So We Can Have a Fresh One?

Hey, babe, I’m heading out to an office supply store (editor’s note: if you are the CEO of Staples or OfficeMax or something reading this and you want your company here, we accept cash, check, or credit) to pick up a notebook to jot some notes down in at my next meeting at work. Should…

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