thesweatypenguin

The Sweaty Penguin’s Earth Overshoot Day Cards

Nothing is more stressful than the holidays, which is why here at The Sweaty Penguin, we are dedicated to helping our loyal readers make it through big days like today. Today, August 2nd, is Earth Overshoot Day: the day where humankind has consumed more resources than the planet can renew in the year 2017. This…

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Samsung Galaxy S8 Wins Top Environment Certificate For Releasing Eco-Friendly Gasses Upon Battery Explosion

After a minor blunder where phones burst into flames inside users’ pockets, Samsung is proud to have just received the Top Environment Certificate for the Samsung Galaxy S8 smartphone. This phone is the first smartphone to ever win the Top Environment Certificate, likely due to the ingenious innovation of Samsung where the phone releases eco-friendly…

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Lake Tahoe Now Whistling Like a Tea Kettle

SIERRA NEVADA – As of 11:05pm this evening, sources report that Lake Tahoe began to make a whistling sound resembling that of a tea kettle. Noting the lake’s extremely high temperature, our reporters assume that the lake has now come to a boil and is ready to be poured into a mug and turned into…

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What Hurts More: A Bee Sting, Or the Knowledge That the Sting Caused the Bee to Die And the Bee Population to Drop Ever So Slightly Which in the Long Run Could Cause the Death of All of Humanity?

To our loyal readers, we pose a deep, scientific question. What hurts more: a bee sting, or the knowledge that the sting caused the bee to die and the bee population to drop ever so slightly which in the long run could cause the death of all of humanity? Let’s break down the arguments. A…

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6 Ways to Incorporate the Sonic Slinger Into Your Diet

Well, it looks like sustainability is the best road to flavor after all! Sonic Drive-In has begun launching a brand new burger recipe, the Sonic Slinger, which is 25-30% mushroom and a much lower beef content, which tests show give the burgers far more flavor and a reduction in beef. We at The Sweaty Penguin are…

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Hey, Babe, Should I Buy a Recycled Paper Notebook, Or Just Allow a Tree to Get Cut Down So We Can Have a Fresh One?

Hey, babe, I’m heading out to an office supply store (editor’s note: if you are the CEO of Staples or OfficeMax or something reading this and you want your company here, we accept cash, check, or credit) to pick up a notebook to jot some notes down in at my next meeting at work. Should…

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Someone Just Compiled a Definitive Ranking of the Types of Bananas, And You WON’T BELIEVE IT!

Well I like bananas just as much as the next person, but this guy just took banana fandom to a whole new level and it’s BREAKING THE INTERNET! That’s right, this lone wolf just compiled a definitive ranking of every single type of banana. I mean, talk about dedication! The Sweaty Penguin heard that one…

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Coastal Property Values Skyrocket as Bleached Coral Sculptures Become the Next Big Thing

Miami, FL – Nothing screams, “I have high flood insurance” like a coastal decor home. Across the nation, millions of Americans are choosing to decorate with organic elements to showcase the beauty of nature on their 50% off HomeGoods tablecloth. Most intriguing of options include that of bleached coral sculptures (now available in Matte Eggshell, White…

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Microsoft Launches “AI For Earth” Initiative, Where They Will Replace All Humans With Robots Who Don’t Mind Turning Off the Water When They Brush Their Teeth

Wednesday, probably Silicon Valley or something – Saying they needed something big to get their name back in the media and perhaps increase their all-time Surface sales from 3 to 4, Microsoft representatives have officially announced a new initiative called “AI For Earth,” where they will invest two million dollars in projects merging artificial intelligence and…

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7 Totally Frickin AWESOME Facts About Cows, And You WON’T BELIEVE What Number 5 Is!

Yesterday was Cow Appreciation Day, and as a result, The Sweaty Penguin mascot, the sweaty penguin, took a break from waddling aimlessly around Antarctica to think about how cool cows are, and you won’t believe the seven facts he came up with. 1. They fart methane. If you thought you were cool, then take a step back…

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