California Trees, Notorious Conspiracy Theorists, Given Tin Foil Hats

Firefighters have started wrapping Sequoia trees in aluminum blankets to prevent embers from entering old fire scars... or so they say...

Source: PxHere

As wildfires ravage Northern California, officials have begun wrapping the state’s oldest Sequoias in aluminum foil to protect them from damage…or so they claim. While tin foil may prevent embers from entering the trees via old fire scars, the more observant among us will note that tin foil hats are also worn for protection by another group in America, a group that is constantly spinning “alternative facts” and wild fan theories.

Therefore, the tin foil solution to the wildfires confirms what many of us have already suspected: that California’s trees are some of the world’s most dangerous conspiracy theorists, and they must be stopped.

First, a few facts about Sequoias that, if you’re paying attention, will strike you as very suspicious. Sequoias can live for thousands of years, with some in Sierra Nevada as old as 3,200. This sparks questions (no pun intended). How are they living so long? What do they know that we don’t? Second, we know that Sequoias have survived fires in the past. In fact, fires actually cause Sequoias to release their seed pods, making these trees some of the first to take root after a disturbance. Which brings me to my conclusion: the trees have tricked the state of California into giving them tin foil hats because they believe the government is probing their minds for the secret to immortality.

Now I’m no scientist. But I am on Reddit, and there is an ever-growing community of trees planting dangerous seeds of espionage, treason, and world domination into the minds of innocent Americans. Why do you think they want us to plant them everywhere? Why do you see trees outside every government building, every military base, along every highway? It’s because they are listening. Our conservation efforts are their master plan, and we’re falling right into their trap.

The Sequoias can be found at the forefront of many conspiracy theories that have been ravaging the U.S. for far longer than the wildfires. The popular fan theory that Avril Lavigne died in 2003 and was replaced by her body double Melissa? That was started by a Sequoia on Reddit. Another conspiracy states that Justin Bieber is part of an elite group of reptiles who rule the earth. What could be the Sequoias’ motivation for spreading this theory, you ask? Reptiles live in trees, and you can be sure the trees do not appreciate it. Therefore, California’s trees have convinced the greater populous to fear our beloved celebrities, and ultimately eradicate all reptiles. This would have environmental consequences we couldn’t even begin to imagine, but I digress.

So sure, the tin foil may help prevent damage from wildfires by keeping embers away from the trees’ fragile roots. But is it worth the cost that we may one day be living in a world where trees are everywhere?

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Maddy Schmidt


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