News

Wild Salmon Launch Their Own Airline

North America’s wild salmon have joined forces to launch their own airline to assist with the crossing of dams. One of the trailblazers of the airline, Salmon Pete the Pilot, gave an exclusive interview with the Sweaty Penguin’s team. “Young salmon can sometimes make their way down a dam though not always, but it’s nearly…

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Pop Rocks Replacing Lanthanum With Tellurium, Dropping Rare Earths Use By 20%

In a win for environmentalists and rare earth mineral miners, Pop Rocks announced it would no longer use the metal lanthanum in its products, reducing their use of rare earth minerals by 20%. “Everyday items that are essential to human life like computers, phones, electric car batteries, and Pop Rocks, depend on rare earths,” said…

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Health Win: FritoLay Unveils Baked Lead Paint Chips With 50% Less Lead Than the Original Variety

FRITOLAY HQ—In an unprecedented move that has flipped the entire chip industry on its side, FritoLay announced that they would begin baking lead paint chips as opposed to deep-frying them, cutting the lead content in half. “FritoLay is committed to providing healthy, tasty food for young children,” wrote CEO Chip Mann in a press release….

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Inspiring: These Penguins Celebrated Earth Day By Carpooling to Their Jobs

Get ready for a story that will melt your heart and the polar ice caps! In honor of Earth Day, these penguins decided to save energy by carpooling to work on one single piece of ice. Incredible! By putting eleven penguins in one vehicle, these sustainability heroes just increased their efficiency big time, to the…

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“An Inconvenient Sequel” Flops in the Box Office, But Still Wins the Popular Vote

In a very rare sequence of events, the movie An Inconvenient Sequel managed to perform the unthinkable: flop in the box office, but still win the popular vote. Sources were shocked to find that while a plurality of viewers liked the movie the best, An Inconvenient Sequel still managed to lose out in the box office tallies….

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Samsung Galaxy S8 Wins Top Environment Certificate For Releasing Eco-Friendly Gasses Upon Battery Explosion

After a minor blunder where phones burst into flames inside users’ pockets, Samsung is proud to have just received the Top Environment Certificate for the Samsung Galaxy S8 smartphone. This phone is the first smartphone to ever win the Top Environment Certificate, likely due to the ingenious innovation of Samsung where the phone releases eco-friendly…

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Lake Tahoe Now Whistling Like a Tea Kettle

SIERRA NEVADA – As of 11:05pm this evening, sources report that Lake Tahoe began to make a whistling sound resembling that of a tea kettle. Noting the lake’s extremely high temperature, our reporters assume that the lake has now come to a boil and is ready to be poured into a mug and turned into…

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Microsoft Launches “AI For Earth” Initiative, Where They Will Replace All Humans With Robots Who Don’t Mind Turning Off the Water When They Brush Their Teeth

Wednesday, probably Silicon Valley or something – Saying they needed something big to get their name back in the media and perhaps increase their all-time Surface sales from 3 to 4, Microsoft representatives have officially announced a new initiative called “AI For Earth,” where they will invest two million dollars in projects merging artificial intelligence and…

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China Just Built a Solar Farm Shaped Like a Giant Panda. Not to Be Outdone, America Built a Solar Farm Shaped Like Pat Sajak!

Less than two weeks ago, China had completed and turned on their newest solar farm, which they built to look like a 250-acre panda. In addition to shaping the panels to form a panda’s body, China utilized different colored panels to give the stark appearance of the native animal. Not to be outdone, however, the…

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Inspiring: Meet The Bald Eagle Who Grew His Hair Back

Wow! If this news doesn’t spice up your Fourth of July, I don’t know what will! This morning, The Sweaty Penguin received confirmation that a bald eagle in Alaska had, through some miracle of nature, grown his hair back. With a new head of hair, the bird became a new man, flying through the American skies…

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