Politics

U.S. Dept of Energy Calls Planet Literally on Fire “Freedom Planet”

WASHINGTON DC—Following last week’s news release where the United States Department of Energy referred to natural gas as “freedom gas,” the department doubled down when they referred to the entire Earth literally being on fire as “freedom planet.” “Emitting excess carbon dioxide and methane through freedom gas is critical to warming the Earth enough to…

Read More

Consumers Angry to Learn There is No Discount on Gold Deposits in Amazon Rainforest if They Have Amazon Prime

After Brazilian president Michel Temer lifted protections on the 46,000 square kilometer Renca reserve in the Amazon which is predicted to contain gold and other valuable minerals, consumers around the globe became increasingly irate that their Amazon Prime accounts would not give them discounts on the gold. Citing that Amazon Prime typically gives lower prices…

Read More

Report: Indian Forests Don’t Want New Protections if the Air is Just Gonna Smell Like Car Fumes

Stating regret that the Government of India signed a USD 24.64 million grant agreement with the World Bank to preserve and enhance forests in the states of Chhattisgarh and Madhya Pradesh, Indian forests report that they’d really rather not be protected if the air is just going to smell like car fumes. Despite their determination to…

Read More

Huge Blunder: The U.N. Just Printed Their Anti-Deforestation Plan on Non-Recycled Paper

In what may be the biggest political blunder since the election of King Tut, the United Nations just printed out their anti-deforestation plan on non-recycled pieces of paper. Having spent years negotiating solutions to save trees in the forests of the earth, including but not limited to using less paper and replacing non-recycled paper with…

Read More

Macron Invites American Researchers to Move to France, As Long As They Learn Their Goddamn French First

After America stated their desire to pull out of the Paris Agreement, newly elected French president Emmanuel Macron invited American climate scientists to come to France and pursue their research goals there. As France prepares to welcome researchers with open arms, they do, however, want to make clear that this invitation in no way alleviated…

Read More

New Country Called Bloombergistan Joins Paris Agreement

After the United States departed from the Paris Agreement last week, sources report that a brand new country called Bloombergistan has officially entered and ratified the international accord. Bloombergistan, housing a quaint population of 1, will provide up to $15 million to assist other struggling countries in their efforts to mitigate climate change. “The government of Bloombergistan voted unanimously to…

Read More

5 Little Known Facts About the Paris Agreement. You Won’t Believe What Number 3 Is!

On November 4, 2016, 194 out of the 196 countries in the world (plus an 195th signature from the European Union) signed the Paris Climate Accord, an agreement bringing countries around the world together to set goals to help combat climate change. The agreement has made headlines in the last few days as the United States has declared…

Read More

European Union Determines RoundUp to Be a Safe Herbicide, So Bartenders Can Start Putting It in Drinks Again

Twenty-somethings across Europe have been rejoicing after the European Union declared RoundUp, a Monsanto herbicide, is safe and can be left on the market. The herbicide, which contains a weedkiller called glyphosate, was hypothesized to potentially have links to cancer or genetic/reproductive problems. Luckily, the EU’s Committee for Risk Assessment has determined that there is not sufficient evidence to…

Read More

Defendants in Montara Oil Spill Case Argue “But Oil Floats on Water”

After nearly eight years of saying “Nah, I’ll sue them tomorrow, let’s play Super Smash Brothers,” the Indonesian government has now filed a lawsuit against the Petroleum Authority of Thailand with regard to the Montara Oil Spill that occurred on August 21, 2009. Indonesia is asking for two billion dollars to make up for the damage…

Read More

Report: This Congressman Personally Removed All Oil And Gas From Underneath Washita Battlefield And Replaced It With Olive Oil

Cheyenne, OK – In an unprecedented turn of events Monday morning, a multinational drilling company was shocked to find no oil or gas beneath the surface of Washita Battlefield, a historic national park in Oklahoma. A new executive order surfaced this week which could lead to drilling beneath national monuments, conflicting with the Antiquities Act of 1906. Interestingly enough, when drillers investigated the land beneath Washita Battlefield, there…

Read More