If Your Date Does Any of These Things, They Might Be the Child of the Guy Who Invented Fracking

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There are certain things that you could learn about a date that are make-or-break. Do they have different political beliefs? Do they have different priorities for their future? However, an often overlooked trait that is just as important and should be considered is their relationship to the guy who invented fracking. Unfortunately for you, this man went on to have ten kids who are all active on the dating scene, so you pretty much have a 50-50 chance of ever dating one.

Here are things to look out for if you’re worried your dinner date is one of those kids:

  1. 1 They say they grew up learning how to “extract” things.

    Fracking is a method of oil and gas extraction used to start new drilling sites and obtain fuel. If they happen to be the child of the guy who invented fracking, a couple of Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work days would have taught them all they need to know about the process. When you’re getting to know them, notice if they drop that they grew up learning how to “extract” things. They may try to recover from this odd statement, and say “I mean, I grew up learning how to extract information from people, like how to ask them questions and get to know them.” Don’t be fooled.

  2. 2 They choose to dip bread in olive oil instead of the balsamic vinegar.

    This is a red flag to look for that unfortunately will only appear if you happen to be dining at an Italian restaurant. However, if you are, and if you both are presented with bread and a small plate of oil and balsamic vinegar for dipping, pay attention to how eagerly they approach the oil. Fracking is a technique that extricates oil by drilling into the earth. Dipping the bread right into the olive oil while disregarding the balsamic vinegar demonstrates an innate inclination to oil. If having a focus on accessing oil runs in their blood, they’ll make a beeline for that olive oil.

  3. 3 They commonly use the idiom “between a rock and a hard place.”

    While the usage of this popular idiom may appear innocent at first, a closer look at the technical elements of fracking brings an entirely new and nefarious suggestion to this idiom. Fracking is a way to access natural gas or oil when they are underground in impermeable rock formations. This oil or natural gas, some would say, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Only a person connected to the father of fracking would use this idiom so repeatedly.

  4. 4 They’re always trying to drink the last drop of something or eat the last bite.

    Say you’re at dinner and you’re each having a glass of wine. They drink most of their glass, and at first leave a tiny teaspoon amount of wine at the bottom. Most people would just let this be, and maybe wait for the waiter to offer a second glass. They, however, throw their head back and tilt the wine glass entirely upside down, as they are desperate to get that last sip. This shows a determination to drain something to its very last drop….Clearly, they will stop at nothing to get the drink, food, or oil that they want.

  5. 5 They say “my father’s name was George P. Mitchell and he is commonly called the father of fracking because of his instrumental role in making the breakthrough in the fracking process that finally gained access to shale gas.”

    This would give you a pretty definitive answer that their father is, indeed, the guy who invented fracking.

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Naomi Rubin

Naomi Rubin is a senior at Barnard College from Los Angeles, CA studying film and political science. She is a comedy writer for The Sweaty Penguin and works on podcast episode scripts, website content, and more!


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