Recent years have seen state and local legislatures fighting legal battles with large fossil fuel companies over their negligence and role in considerably damaging the environment. But these executives obviously shouldn’t have anything to worry about. They provide the essential service of “fire juice make metal box go zoom zoom.” So let’s break down some of their most professional approaches to avoiding legal damages.
1 Covering their eyes with their hands
This technique is not only a classic for peekaboo, it also makes for phenomenal legal defense when any fossil fuel tankers blow up. When I (an extremely reputable investigative reporter) approached an Oil CEO who will remain unnamed, they simply put their hands over their eyes and ran away shouting “I didn’t do it!!! I don’t even know what it is!!! I’m not even the CEO of an oil company!!”
2 Hiding underneath your (reasonable) $50 million summer home
This is the best way to claim you weren’t at fault for any major pollution scandals. How could you have been involved when you were vacationing in your Aspen Mansion.
3 Simply Leave Climate Change on ‘Read’
What’s that? The world is warming by 1.5°C far earlier than 2100? Sorry, I guess I just wasn’t around my phone today. Can we get somebody else to figure that out? I’m kinda swamped with building oil rigs for the next 50 years.
4 Scream and Throw Money
Hey! Don’t blame me! I gave millions of dollars for research into renewable energy last year. I even made a solar-powered gas station! What? You say that’s not enough? Here, just burn my money then, I have plenty.
5 Wearing a Blindfold
Did you know you totally aren’t culpable for anything your company does if you just pretend that you didn’t see it happen? Fossil fuel executives and plastic manufacturers use this defense on the stand all the time to avoid responsibility, and so can you!