Wearing a Blindfold and Four Other Ways Oil Companies Play “Peekaboo” with Lawsuits

Source: Max Pixel

Recent years have seen state and local legislatures fighting legal battles with large fossil fuel companies over their negligence and role in considerably damaging the environment. But these executives obviously shouldn’t have anything to worry about. They provide the essential service of “fire juice make metal box go zoom zoom.” So let’s break down some of their most professional approaches to avoiding legal damages.

  1. 1 Covering their eyes with their hands

    This technique is not only a classic for peekaboo, it also makes for phenomenal legal defense when any fossil fuel tankers blow up. When I (an extremely reputable investigative reporter) approached an Oil CEO who will remain unnamed, they simply put their hands over their eyes and ran away shouting “I didn’t do it!!! I don’t even know what it is!!! I’m not even the CEO of an oil company!!”

  2. 2 Hiding underneath your (reasonable) $50 million summer home

    This is the best way to claim you weren’t at fault for any major pollution scandals. How could you have been involved when you were vacationing in your Aspen Mansion.

  3. 3 Simply Leave Climate Change on ‘Read’

    What’s that? The world is warming by 1.5°C far earlier than 2100? Sorry, I guess I just wasn’t around my phone today. Can we get somebody else to figure that out? I’m kinda swamped with building oil rigs for the next 50 years.

  4. 4 Scream and Throw Money

    Hey! Don’t blame me! I gave millions of dollars for research into renewable energy last year. I even made a solar-powered gas station! What? You say that’s not enough? Here, just burn my money then, I have plenty.

  5. 5 Wearing a Blindfold

    Did you know you totally aren’t culpable for anything your company does if you just pretend that you didn’t see it happen? Fossil fuel executives and plastic manufacturers use this defense on the stand all the time to avoid responsibility, and so can you!

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Maxwell Pociask
Maxwell Pociask is a Boston University Sophomore originally from Urbana, Illinois. He is a comedy writer for The Sweaty Penguin, helping to squeeze those juicy little joke morsels into that sweet, sweet, podcast news, baby. Max also publishes articles and other website content for The Sweaty Penguin, drawing on his past experience writing for The Bunion. Max also works as an Opinions section editor for the Daily Free Press, where you can read his column on unique urbanist solutions found in small American towns. He’s had a lifelong passion for building sustainable and equitable communities, and in 2021 hosted a grant-funded arts showcase for students in Central Illinois. Max doesn’t think that pineapple on pizza is all that big of a deal, but hopes you don’t tell Ethan about that.


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